For those of you who don't know, two years ago on Friday I lost my dad, rather suddenly to a heart attack. It's one of those things that you know will always happen but not so soon, and certainly not only after I had only been given four years with him. The loss hit me hard but I had to focus on so much at the time that it passed without as much pain as expected. Then my walls broke.
Periodically, usually around markers (birthdays, memorials, six-month markers etc) I begin to lose the strength and as expected, no matter how hard I tried to avoid the dates, eventually the walls begin to crumble. This week has brought on another weakened structure so I'm hoping that by writing this and facing that I am upset and not over grieving then perhaps, for once, it won't be as bad. I am independent, self-sufficient and absolutely hate that I can't cope with this on my own. I won't ask for help, don't expect it to be honest, but part of me would like to just admit to someone that sometimes it's too much and I can't cope so when I break down it's not so much of a surprise.
After two years I had hoped it would get easier, public displays of emotional falling apart just isn't me and it makes me feel useless. You'd think that a man who only really had four years worth of input in my life wouldn't make such an impact on my life once he's left. But you'd be surprised by the bond that is shared between parent and child, even an absent parent. Especially to me, whom family means so much. Anyways, I guess writing this has kind of helped.