Month: March 2011

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About three weeks ago I started caring for a forty-year old male who has Cerebral Palsy (CB). Now, there are various levels of CB and he has a medium level in terms of communication, movement and dexterity. Alan, my client, can communicate using a board known as a Bliss Board, which has some common words on it. This makes communication slow, but not impossible. He can walk with the support of someone’s arm or his walker, although patience is required in his speed. Alan is able to use a computer, but again, it is just a slower process. Basically he is able to most of what you and I can do, just at a slower pace.

What I have noticed is his determination in life and his unstoppable quench for new things. Despite his limited mobility, Alan leads a very active life. He has partaken in several Paralympics across the world for his swimming and done rather well, he gives speeches about overcoming challenges within one’s life and keeps busy with all sorts of social activities.

Working with him has taught me that you can succeed if you refuse to let yourself sink into self pity and accept the obscure box that society tries to fit you in. With work and determination, you and succeed.

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Dear dad.

You've been gone two years today and yet still you cross my life. Who would have thought that I would still be grieving? There I said it, I admit that I am still grieving. I'm surrounded by new steps and chances in my life and still looking at the past and to where you existed. I shall not perfect you or the time we spent together but once my body has decided to finally accept that you will not ever return no matter how much it decides to make a fuss I will move on and then I hope to look back with strength. You made an impact on my life, I won't deny it and I know you were secretly proud of me even if you never really said anything.

I spent so many days of my childhood waiting for your arrival, sometimes blaming mom for you leaving but as I grew older I accepted it was mostly your fault, yet you were also ill so I guess you weren't totally to blame. Stubbornness, I got that from you, and that was your downfall and yet your revival when Callum and I moved to the UK to live with you. Everyone said they saw a change, I just saw my dad and I was happy to be with you at last. I had four great years with you, for that I am grateful and I shall remember well.

The day I lost you was awful, the shock still burnt into my memory as I try to move on. They say the pain eventually eases and I hold on to that. You frustrated me so much, your over protectiveness driving me insane at times, but I knew you did it out of love. I miss you dad, that I will not deny.

Your daughter forever,
Heather

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Java and I had a little falling out last week and to be honest I was rather nervous about my java team project this week. This was for two main reasons:
a) I don't really enjoy working in teams and the thought of coding in a team
just frightens me and
b) For every other computing group assignment that I had been given I had been placed
in great teams while most friends ended up in rather crap, lazy teams a lot of the
time so I was expecting a really awful group as punishment.
Well, I had nothing to fear. I ended up with a brilliant, hard working team and since we are going to be splitting up the Java coding it shouldn't be too bad at all! Not that it'll be easy- Java never allows things to be easy!-but it's nice not feeling totally overwhelmed.

It's amazing how much of a difference it makes discussing a plan in a team first before beginning to code. Just the simple act of bouncing ideas off people throws light on areas that are a bit murky. Although our team meetings today have certainly taught me that I need to brush up on Java!

So that's me still pleased with my team and waiting patiently (so patiently in fact that I could wait a lifetime) for my bad team to arrive...

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For those of you who don't know, two years ago on Friday I lost my dad, rather suddenly to a heart attack. It's one of those things that you know will always happen but not so soon, and certainly not only after I had only been given four years with him. The loss hit me hard but I had to focus on so much at the time that it passed without as much pain as expected. Then my walls broke.

Periodically, usually around markers (birthdays, memorials, six-month markers etc) I begin to lose the strength and as expected, no matter how hard I tried to avoid the dates, eventually the walls begin to crumble. This week has brought on another weakened structure so I'm hoping that by writing this and facing that I am upset and not over grieving then perhaps, for once, it won't be as bad. I am independent, self-sufficient and absolutely hate that I can't cope with this on my own. I won't ask for help, don't expect it to be honest, but part of me would like to just admit to someone that sometimes it's too much and I can't cope so when I break down it's not so much of a surprise.

After two years I had hoped it would get easier, public displays of emotional falling apart just isn't me and it makes me feel useless. You'd think that a man who only really had four years worth of input in my life wouldn't make such an impact on my life once he's left. But you'd be surprised by the bond that is shared between parent and child, even an absent parent. Especially to me, whom family means so much. Anyways, I guess writing this has kind of helped.