Category: Private

Dear dad.

You've been gone two years today and yet still you cross my life. Who would have thought that I would still be grieving? There I said it, I admit that I am still grieving. I'm surrounded by new steps and chances in my life and still looking at the past and to where you existed. I shall not perfect you or the time we spent together but once my body has decided to finally accept that you will not ever return no matter how much it decides to make a fuss I will move on and then I hope to look back with strength. You made an impact on my life, I won't deny it and I know you were secretly proud of me even if you never really said anything.

I spent so many days of my childhood waiting for your arrival, sometimes blaming mom for you leaving but as I grew older I accepted it was mostly your fault, yet you were also ill so I guess you weren't totally to blame. Stubbornness, I got that from you, and that was your downfall and yet your revival when Callum and I moved to the UK to live with you. Everyone said they saw a change, I just saw my dad and I was happy to be with you at last. I had four great years with you, for that I am grateful and I shall remember well.

The day I lost you was awful, the shock still burnt into my memory as I try to move on. They say the pain eventually eases and I hold on to that. You frustrated me so much, your over protectiveness driving me insane at times, but I knew you did it out of love. I miss you dad, that I will not deny.

Your daughter forever,
Heather

For those of you who don't know, two years ago on Friday I lost my dad, rather suddenly to a heart attack. It's one of those things that you know will always happen but not so soon, and certainly not only after I had only been given four years with him. The loss hit me hard but I had to focus on so much at the time that it passed without as much pain as expected. Then my walls broke.

Periodically, usually around markers (birthdays, memorials, six-month markers etc) I begin to lose the strength and as expected, no matter how hard I tried to avoid the dates, eventually the walls begin to crumble. This week has brought on another weakened structure so I'm hoping that by writing this and facing that I am upset and not over grieving then perhaps, for once, it won't be as bad. I am independent, self-sufficient and absolutely hate that I can't cope with this on my own. I won't ask for help, don't expect it to be honest, but part of me would like to just admit to someone that sometimes it's too much and I can't cope so when I break down it's not so much of a surprise.

After two years I had hoped it would get easier, public displays of emotional falling apart just isn't me and it makes me feel useless. You'd think that a man who only really had four years worth of input in my life wouldn't make such an impact on my life once he's left. But you'd be surprised by the bond that is shared between parent and child, even an absent parent. Especially to me, whom family means so much. Anyways, I guess writing this has kind of helped.